RetroTV

I’ve been watching a lot of RetroTV lately.  I started watching it to catch classic episodes of Doctor Who during the week.  (We’re in the midst of the Tom Baker era now, travelling with Leela and K-9.)  I’ve also found myself watching MST3K on the weekends.  This past Saturday night I watched past the end of the MST3K episode.

Late night on Saturdays RetroTV runs a show called “Off Beat Cinema.”  It’s a garden variety Horror Host show but instead of some pseudo-ghoulish character hosting B movies the hosts are fake beatniks in a coffee shop.  (It’s not nearly as cool at the Satellite of Love.)  I’m sure many of you have seen this type of show before whether it was syndicated and hosted by Elvira or Joe Bob Briggs or it was hosted by your local character.  Those of us who grew up in the New Orleans area may remember Morgus the Magnificent.  (At least those of us of the “Higher Order”)

This night they were showing the 1959 version of House on Haunted Hill with Vincent Price.  It’s one of his best roles.  It was followed up by another episode of Off Beat Cinema, this time featuring the classic Mars Needs Women.  The two shows were separated by a single episode of the Harvytoon Casper the Friendly Ghost as filler.

The experience was like watching UHF, and I don’t mean the terrific Weird Al Yankovic film, I mean watching ultra-high frequency television back when that medium existed.

Ah, UHF, that treasure trove of syndicated television, old movies, and laughably low budget, locally produced television.  How I’ve missed you!  

What made the experience so great, though, were the commercials.  They were glorious.  All of the usual subjects were there:  fake jewelry (anything described as, “genuine simulated,” is a must have), reverse mortgages (“learn the facts…”), legal advice you don’t need (“have you or a loved one…”), or low end products that make a Ginsu look like a Wusthof (“act now and we’ll send you a second absolutely free!  Just pay separate shipping and handling…”).  The cherry on the top of the bad TV sundae were the local commercials which, inexplicably, were all local to Western New York.  (Apparently, Off Beat Cinema originated from WKBW-TV in Buffalo.)

I was subjected to repeated commercials from Mighty Taco (According to their website there are twenty-three locations in Western NY.), a head shop named Terrapin Station (With a name like that what else could it be, right Jer Bear?), and a Rockabilly/Pin-up clothing store called Cats Like Us (Hey ladies, do you rock a Bettie Page cut?  Have you been shopping for that perfect sweetie dress to show off your full sleeve?).

The whole thing reminded me of being a kid, regularly adjusting the TV’s antenna in order to watch a snowy picture on channel 26 or 38 on the small TV in my room.  It was really comfortable.