I Want a Cornetto

With the arrival of the third and final part of the Cornetto trilogy this weekend, I wanted to see if I could get a Cornetto in the United States.  Alas, I cannot.

For those who don’t know, Wikipedia describes Cornetto as, “…a branded frozen dessert cone manufactured by Unilever and marketed throughout the world under various company names, but with the same Heartbrand logo. However, depending on geographical region, several variations of the product exist, ranging from milk based ice cream to vegetable fat based dessert”

That second sentence is disconcerting.

The Cornetto trilogy, for those who don’t know what that is, are a series of films directed by Edgar Wright, written by Wright and Simon Pegg, and starring Pegg and Nick Frost.  It’s Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and the forthcoming The World’s End.  The name Cornetto trilogy itself is a joke referencing Kieslowski’s Three Colors film trilogy.

Each film in the Cornetto trilogy featured a different ice cream treat.  Shaun of the Dead had the strawberry one.  Hot Fuzz contained the original.  I think The World’s End is supposed to feature the mint variety.  I want one.

The Cornetto branded cone is not available in the US, but as stated in the Wikipedia definition above, it may be available in this area under a different company name.  It turns out that Unilever, Cornetto’s parent company, also owns Good Humor, whose King Cone looks suspiciously like the Cornetto Classico.  Unfortunately, the similarities end there.  That second sentence in the Wikipedia article is clearly illustrated by reading both the descriptions and ingredients lists of both products.

On the website, the Cornetto Classico is described as “delicious vanilla ice cream with chocolate and nuts, crunchy wafer and of course the chocolatey tip!”  The Good Humor King Cone has a significantly less thrilling description: “Artificially flavored vanilla light ice cream* in a sugar cone with chocolate-flavored coating and topping and processed, pasteurized artificial peanut-like food product.”

OK, so I embellished that a bit.  It’s actual roasted peanuts, but the rest of the stuff is artificial: flavored ice cream with a chocolate-flavored, somewhat chocolate-like product that probably only resembles chocolate purely by coincidence.  Granted, it is Kosher, but then I don’t know if there are any prohibitions in either Leviticus or Deuteronomy against eating plastics or Styrofoam.  Also, unlike Cornetto, Good Humor doesn’t offer other flavors of its cone.

So, not only can I not get the mint version, but the best I can do is find some vaguely Cornetto-like polymer creation in the United States.  Maybe we shouldn’t have broken away from the crown.